Yeah...there are days like that!
I've been doing a lot of thinking during the past few days about the contents of a letter I received from my daughter Chrissy. My heart hurts. Chrissy is doing very well. She has moved into a transition house in Pueblo, CO, has a job at Carl's Jr. and works full time and always volunteers for any over-time, she volunteered to postpone her parole hearing for 3 months in order to have a better, more solid financial base to show she is taking care of business and is responsible enough to be allowed her own apartment, and has really begun to straighten her life out.This is where the kick in the pants comes in. Chrissy made the decision to common-law marry Dan (the rat bastard). She said they weren't able to correspond unless they were married, so filled out the appropriate forms and are now common-law married. Talk about having the air kicked out of you. My first impulse is to shake her till her teeth rattle and ask her if she's out of her mind. How can she want to be attached to someone who spent years abusing her, helped her down a really wrong path, stood by and watched her put in jail, and now that he's in jail himself, marries him so they can correspond! "But he's found God" she tells me. Personally, I'd like to introduce him to God! He has changed since he's been in jail.
After beating my head against a wall for a couple of days I wrote her a letter. I asked her what the heck she was thinking. How can she want to be around that. Doesn't she remember anything that he did to her...the beatings, the hospital trips, the jobs lost, the self-esteem destroyed, the loss of her family???
Then I let go. I have to accept that she is 29 years old and not my "little girl" anymore. She has decided that this is the person she wants in her life regardless of what he has done. I told her my fears...that I'm afraid that he will turn her down the wrong path again because it's the easy way, and that one day I'll get that phone call saying that she is dead, beaten to death. I told her that I love her unconditionally and will always support her, but that I would never forget what he has done.
Letting go is really a hard thing to do. I've spent my time as a single mom being in control. I have been able to "fix" problems my children had. I wasn't always good at it and failed at a lot of important places, but my children grew strong and wise. Having to let go feels like I'm watching my baby having fun swimming in a lazy river and knowing there is a raging waterfall around the corner but not being able to shout out a warning. It hurts to let go. It hurts knowing she is willing swimming towards the waterfall.
So, there it is. I pray that she will be okay, that she will make wise decisions. Please Lord, keep her safe.
Love me
